Great Are You Lord

      It has been a little over two years that we lost our precious Breckin, and I am writing this today to share part of my story. We had brought her to the hospital three days earlier because she was lethargic and weak. Little did we know that her heart was failing. She was put on a ventricular assist device that was supposed to buy us some time until she could get a new heart. The device worked well, and her heart and lungs were functioning again. However, her brain had been so long without adequate oxygen that she wasn’t waking up.            

     The evening before she passed away, we were told that she might not wake up at all. We went to the hospital chapel and pleaded for God to heal her and wake her up, and then we called Pastor Chuck and he prayed with us too. We brought some of Breckin’s favorite books to the hospital, and that night I had a strong urge to read them to her. Part of me felt like hearing my voice read to her her favorite stories would spark some activity in her brain and she would wake up. The other part of me knew that this may be the last time I would ever get to read to her. 

     Somehow, we slept a little that night and the next morning, she had a CT done of her brain. They wanted to get some more information about why she wasn’t waking up. During that time, we were out of her hospital room, and I prayed that God would show us and the doctors a clear answer. I wasn’t ready to let her go, but I prayed that if it was her time to go, then we would know beyond a shadow of a doubt. Shortly after the CT was done, her cardiac surgeon came into the family waiting room. He told us that when he saw the image of that CT, he could clearly see a large area of infarction (basically, death) in the brain. He said the neurologist may say she had a stroke and we could wait and see, but if it were his child, he would disconnect support and let her pass. He said the damaged area was too large and unrepairable. This was not the answer we wanted to hear, but God did answer my prayer that day. 

     Some family members and friends were already there, but shortly afterward, more came. Her hospital room was full of loved ones who surrounded us and her. I lied in the bed beside her and held her hand while Pastor Chuck prayed and read Psalm 23 over us. Eventually everyone cleared out, and it was just the four of us (Ollie was asleep in the waiting room with a friend). The doctors unhooked the machine that was keeping her heart and lungs going, and we laid in the stillness beside her until she breathed her last breath. With Psalm 23 in my mind, I softly sang to her some of the song with the same title: “Surely goodness, surely mercy, right beside me all my days. And I will dwell in your house forever, and bless your holy name.”

     It was the worst day of my life, but it was also a day of God’s peace and His presence. God was there with us in so many ways-in the results of the CT, He was Jehovah-Shalom (The Lord is peace), in the family and friends surrounding us, He was Jehovah-shammah (The Lord is there) and in the blessing of getting to hold my sweet girl’s hand and sing to her as she left this earth to meet Jesus, He was El-Shaddai (The All-Sufficient One). I am thankful everyday that our family was able to be there and say goodbye to her before she passed away. Not every family gets that chance. 

     

     The funeral was four days later, and again was a horrible day to go through. However, God was there! We didn’t know this at the time, but before the funeral started, our whole Bible fellowship class, and many others gathered in a room at the church, and prayed for us. These people were standing in for us and praying the words that we were unable to pray that day. One of the songs we chose for her funeral was “Great Are You Lord.” When our worship pastor began to lead us in that song, everyone was seated. I just sat there numbly and could not sing the words. He got to the part that says, “All the earth will shout your praise. Our hearts will cry, these bones will sing: Great are you Lord!” The Holy Spirit was telling me I needed to stand up and honor our great God! My inner dialogue was arguing saying, No! He just took my daughter away. How can He be great?” But, I could not deny the fact that despite my circumstances, and my suffering, God is faithful and He is great. So I stood to my feet in that church because I could no longer sit as we sang about our great God. 

     

     I write this post not to paint a sad picture of Breckin’s last days, but to remember how God was there though it all. Even on my worst days, my most heart-wrenching, heart-breaking moments, when I thought my world would fall apart, God’s presence was with me. As I have studied the names of God over the past several years, I can look back at how He has been there for me and how He continues to be there. He never stops loving His children. Great are you, Lord!

The Story of Our Home

     At the beginning of 2019, I was pregnant with our third child, and knew that I would not be working for a few months starting in March of that year. Since I work part-time, I don't receive paid time off, so I knew we would be without my income for a while. I really had no idea how we would make ends meet, but I knew that God had a plan! I had faith that He would show up and I even told people that I couldn't wait to see what He would do. I knew He would provide, but I had no idea how.
     Around this time, Josh showed me a listing of a house that was for sale in Collierville. I almost didn't even look at it because I thought he was crazy! We were about to have a baby and be without almost half our monthly income, and he was wanting me to look at a house! But I was curious and thought what can it hurt to look at the pictures. Of course, the house was beautiful, and the kind of house in which I dreamed of raising my children. So, I quickly forgot about it and focused on preparing for baby number three!
     On Easter Sunday, a few weeks after Ollie was born, we were again looking at house listings. This time, however, we were looking at houses for Josh's grandmother to possibly buy. She had been wanting to downsize a little, and move to Collierville. She brought up the fact that she would love for us to be able to get a larger house to have plenty of room for our growing family. In our current home, Harper and Breckin were sharing a room, and because Breckin was an early riser, it would be great for her to have her own room. However, we were content where we were. It was working for now, and we were not in a hurry to get a different house. Like I said earlier, we were down an income at the time, and we had a newborn at home. Not a great time to be looking at buying a new house.
     In our shopping for houses for Nanny, we came across the same house that we looked at months ago. We couldn't believe it was still for sale in this market. Just for kicks we thought let's drive by and see if it actually is still for sale. Surely, it just hasn't been updated online. As we stopped in front of the house, I stepped out to get a flyer, and a lady working in the yard said, "Hey, do you want to look at it? We've already moved out." Again, I thought this is a waste of time, but sure why not. So we walked in and looked around, and of course I still loved it. After that, it was like a whirlwind of events happening. We spoke with our mortgage guy and found out we could likely get that house with the same amount of mortgage we are paying now. We spoke with our realtor, and found out that comps in our neighborhood were outstanding.
     So, we thought let's go for it-we would put our house up for sale, and just see what happens. We listed it, and within hours, we had an offer for asking price. A woman wanted the house and didn't even want to look at it. She loved it, and had no contingencies. So, we put an offer on the house we wanted, and they accepted less than asking price. Somehow, we managed to get our dream home, sell ours, and have money to put in the bank. I knew that God would provide and be faithful, but I had no idea that we would be moving our family of five into a house I had only dreamed of having. Not only that, but we had extra money to buy furniture that we needed, and put some aside to take a family vacation that we again had only dreamed of taking. God didn't just provide what we needed-He went above and beyond to bless us more than we ever would have imagined.
     It was a little stressful moving in with three children, one of whom was a newborn, but thankfully we had a lot of help from our parents. We quickly got settled in, and I was just in love. I would literally stop and look around at my family in this home and think, "There's nothing better than this." I would rock my baby on our big front porch and feel the coolness of the shade from our big trees, and feel so grateful. Breckin had a large flat driveway to ride her tricycle around on, and Harper had a rope swing in the backyard that she absolutely loved. Each girl had her own bedroom, and Breckin was so proud of her big bed with flowers on the comforter. Breckin quickly learned how to go up and down the stairs by herself (with my close supervision of course), and was already learning her way around downstairs.
     Then a short three months later, our world fell apart. After Breckin passed away, and we had to come home without her, I started questioning God. Why would He bless us so greatly just a few months before just to then tear our world down around us? Why would He allow us to move into this home made for a family of five knowing a few months later, we would be a family of four again? The beautiful, perfect, idyllic dream home just became a reminder to me of what I had lost. I had pictured raising all three of my girls in this home, and now I would only be raising two. Then I had to remind myself as I have had to many times in the past several years, that God's timing and God's ways are not mine. I have shared this verse on my blog before, but Isaiah 55:9 says, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
     I know that God is sovereign, and that I will never understand His ways. But I trust that He knows what is best. I have seen it in my past and have to trust that He is in this too. I am beyond thankful for our home, and I still feel so blessed to be here. There is definitely a void here, but I know that it would be that way anywhere we lived.
     Right before Christmas, we received a beautiful gift from our besties in Murfreesboro. They are college friends of mine, and they love us dearly. Their family has meant so much to our family, especially over the last few months. I honestly would not have gotten through the months after Breckin's funeral without them. They sent us a canvas of our home, and above the house, is pictured a small rainbow. Josh and I bawled when we opened it, because they know how much we love our home, but also how much we miss our Breckin. This picture just represents to me God's blessing on our life, and another reminder that God keeps His promises. We have lost much, but we also have much to be thankful for. It also helps me to remember that in times of wilderness in our life, God has led us out by a different way than I thought. And, I have hope that He will lead us through this as well.

Love, B

Rainbows

     Since Breckin's death, rainbows have become a special part of my life. On the day that she entered her heavenly home, a rainbow appeared in the sky. I never actually saw it in person, well because I was in a complete daze and wasn't paying attention to anything around me, but I heard about it and saw a picture of it. A few days later, I received a gift from a sweet friend of a rainbow-colored wind chime. It was beautiful, and I received comfort when I would hear the light tinkling of the chimes in my backyard. It made me think of my sweet Breckin singing praises to her King in her beautiful voice. 
   When Breckin was on this earth, she was blind. She was not able to perceive color or light, but as soon as she passed from this earth, her eyes were opened, and she can now she all the colors of the rainbow, and like my daughter Harper says: "She can see colors now that we can't even see." In the Bible, in the book of Genesis, God brings a flood to destroy the earth, and everything in it. Before this happened, he told a righteous man named Noah to build an ark to save himself, his family, and two of every kind of animal. Noah was obedient, and when the floods came, everyone and everything on the earth was destroyed except for those saved in the ark. When the waters receded, and they were able to leave the ark, God put his rainbow in the sky as a reminder of his promise that He would no longer destroy the earth by water again. This rainbow represented God's promise to His people, and when I see a rainbow, I am reminded that God always keeps His promises.
     Every year in December, I do what's called a Jesse tree with my kids. It is a small tree with a different ornament for each day in December. These ornaments coincide with a devotional for that day from a story in the Bible that lead up to Jesus' birth on December 25th. On December 3rd, we celebrated Breckin's earthly birthday, and this was the first year that we celebrated without her. It was a tough day, but I made myself still do our devotional that day with Harper and Ollie. The story from that day was the story of the flood from Genesis, and the ornament was an ark with a large rainbow overhead. I knew this wasn't a coincidence. This was another way of God letting us know that He sees us and loves us. Every year now on Breckin's birthday, we will read about the rainbow and see the rainbow on the ornament as we remember God keeps His promises.
     Ever since Breckin passed, I have wanted something to wear or keep with me that would bring me comfort and make me smile when I think about her. I couldn't think of anything appropriate, and then a friend suggested that I get a tattoo. I thought this was the perfect idea. It's something that I would always have with me until I am reunited with her in heaven. So, Josh and I both decided to get one, and made the appointment, which just happened to be on the day after Breckin's birthday last year. On the way to get them done, we saw a cloud in the sky that showed all the colors of the rainbow. I have never seen anything like it. There was an actual rainbow inside the cloud. It only lasted for a minute or two and then disappeared, but Josh and I both saw it, and were brought great comfort from this, knowing it was a kiss from the King.
     So that day, I got a tattoo on my right wrist of a rainbow with Breckin's name over it in Braille. Braille was such a big part of her life here on earth, and it was something that made her so special and unique. Every time I see my tattoo, I am not only reminded of my beautiful Breckin, but also of my beautiful Savior. A God who has never forsaken me, who has chosen me for a purpose, and who always keeps His promises.

Love, B

 It's hard to see, and the picture doesn't do it justice, but here is the "rainbow cloud"

My tattoo

Our Big News!

     So a lot has happened since I last posted on here. While writing my last blog post, little did I know that I was actually pregnant! I found out about a week later, and I was truly in shock! I had just decided to put that part of my life on hold. I was training for my first marathon, and Josh and I had booked a cruise for the following June. I still of course had that strong desire to have another child, but I just decided it wasn't meant to be right now. Little did I know, that God again had different plans for me for the next nine months!
     I was actually almost angry when I found out I was pregnant. I guess I already had it in my head that I was going to miscarry again, and I just could not go through that again! I felt that I couldn't get excited about it, because I was counting on being disappointed.  We finally went for our first appointment at 6 weeks, and I was a nervous wreck! Right away though, the ultrasound tech found the heartbeat! I burst into tears right there, because I was just convinced we were going to have a repeat of our last two ultrasounds. However, she did tell us the heart rate was a little low, and they were going to see me back in a couple weeks.
     I did a little research, and based on what I found, it looked like there was a 50% chance that I could still miscarry. Great, I thought. I was just going to hold off on the inevitable. Two more looong weeks went by, and here we were again in the ultrasound room. Lo and behold, our baby had a strong heart rate in the 150s, well within the normal range! It was still early though, and I didn't let myself get too excited. My OB was very cautious with me, and said to really take it easy and take care of myself.
     By this time, I was in the throes of terrible morning sickness. Actually, it was more like all day sickness. It was a constant feeling of severe nausea, no energy, terrible weakness, and of course, I was getting sick almost daily. It almost put me into a sort of depression. Before the pregnancy, I was very active, running, working out at the gym. I was training for a marathon! And now, not only did I not need to be that active, but I didn't feel like doing anything but lying in the bed. I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't do what I wanted to do.
     It was during this time that I realized I was being completely ungrateful. This is what I had been praying for for years. This is what we had been trying unsuccessfully to do for the past two years. So what if I couldn't run a marathon this year, or go on a cruise next year. God was showing me that it's not about me. I can make all the plans that I want, but He is going to ultimately give me what is best for me at that time. I was being selfish, and not full of overwhelming gratitude like I should have been.
     I began to change my attitude. I rejoiced every time I got sick. I praised the Lord for this little being growing inside of me, altering all my plans. I just began immersing myself in thanksgiving to the Lord. I knew that I was not guaranteed anything, but I had faith that the Lord would bring this child into my arms.
     Finally, our 20-week anatomy scan was here. We were seeing the high-risk OB that I had seen so many times with Breckin. They were going to do a detailed scan of every little body part of this baby. There was a higher chance that this baby could be born with a heart defect, or some other anomaly due to us already having one child with several birth defects. Like I said before, I had faith that this baby was going to be in my arms one day, but I still thought there would likely be something wrong. I was reminded of the verse in Daniel Chapter 3. I've blogged about this verse before, but this is where King Nebuchadnezzar is threatening to throw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into the fiery furnace for not bowing down to the golden image he has set up. They proclaim that the Lord will save them from the furnace, but verse 18 states," But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." They knew that even if the Lord did not save them, they would still worship Him only.
     I had a "But if not" moment before this appointment. I knew there was a possibility that this baby would have some type of problem. I also knew that the Lord could allow this baby to be perfectly healthy. But if not, I was still ready to worship and praise Him anyways. This was a long appointment, and the ultrasound tech was very thorough. She would silently scan a certain body part, and make all kinds of measurements, and notations. Then after holding my breath, she would say, ok that part looks good, and I could finally breathe again. She went through every body part, and did a fetal ECHO on the heart, and told us that everything looks normal! Wow! Praise the Lord! I was really not expecting this, so as soon as Josh and I got into the car, I burst into tears! I said, can we just stop for a minute and soak this in, and thank the Lord! We stopped and prayed right then for this baby and thanked the Lord for all He has done!
     We found out later that weekend, that we are having another girl! I was so excited about this, and so were the girls. Josh was very happy, but I knew he felt a tiny shred of disappointment that he wasn't going to have a son. That whole weekend was just surreal for me, and still sometimes is. When I think about what all we have been through to get here, and how God has just worked everything out according to His plans, it brings me to tears. He is so good, and truly brings everything about in His time! Our family cannot wait to meet this sweet baby girl soon, and I cannot wait to teach her about our Lord who is so good, and who loves her more than she could ever imagine!
     So, if you're reading this, and you're waiting on something, or things just aren't going as planned, know that the Lord is working. He loves you, and He is good. And also know that it's not about you. The Lord wants honor and glory brought to Him above all. If you are truly following the Lord, and fearing Him, then your desires will line up with His will. And he wants to give you those desires of your heart.

 Those sweet little hands

Soon to be a family of five!

Love,
B

Boundaries

       Just two posts ago, I wrote about our second miscarriage. And now, here I am again, writing about a third. It happened three months ago, and only six months after the second miscarriage. Again, we got pregnant on our own, and I surprised Josh by putting the phrase, "You're going to be a Daddy (again)" on a piece of paper, and leaving it in the kitchen where I knew he would see it first thing in the morning. I convinced myself that I was already feeling early signs of pregnancy: fatigue, cravings, nausea, and thought this is it! We learned the baby would be due in December, and since we've had a November and a December baby already, we weren't super thrilled about the birthday. However, we thought well, that's just our luck!
       A few days before my scheduled first ultrasound, I felt those early pregnancy symptoms halt. I had a terribly uneasy feeling and just knew we had lost the baby. My fears were confirmed when they saw nothing in the uterus. My hcg levels had been going up, but that day, they were not as high as they should have been for a 6-week fetus. After more tests, another ultrasound, and many hours waiting in the doctor's office, they confirmed that this was indeed another miscarriage.
       Three. Three miscarriages. I never imagined in a million years I would have one, let alone three. I was so angry and just done! Done with fertility doctors, done with spending money and still having no baby, and done with trying to get pregnant. I didn't understand the purpose behind it. I felt like I was putting my faith in God to answer our prayers, and instead of giving, He was just taking away. I honestly felt a little like God had forgotten about me.
       Two days after we had the last test that confirmed the miscarriage, I was at church in our Bible fellowship class. Our teacher had us turn in the book of Isaiah. There was a verse he read in Chapter 49. It states,"...Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." (Isaiah 49:15b-16) The Lord has me engraved on the palms of His hands! He has not forgotten about me. In Hebrew, the word used here for wall means, "wall of protection." The Hebrew word for engraved used here means, "delineate." If you're like me, I had to look up the exact definition of delineate, and I found it to mean: "to indicate the exact position of (border or boundary)."
     The Lord has put his wall of protection around me. He has indicated on His palm the exact place where I need to be! Another verse that comes to mind when I read this is Psalm 16:6. It states, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places." I love this so much! Again, it's saying that the Lord has placed me where I am in life, and it is pleasant! It is good! As difficult as it is to comprehend and accept sometimes, I am exactly where God wants me to be.
      I have finally come to the place where I am okay with not being pregnant right now. Josh and I still have the desire to add another child to our family, and we still believe that God will fulfill this desire. However, we realize that it may not be in the way that we had planned. Nothing in our lives since being married has gone according to our plan, but we can always see that it has been God's plan. I don't know why we or any couple has had to go through losses like this. Sometimes, it's to prepare us for something in our future, sometimes, it's to help us grow, sometimes it's to teach us something. But it's always to bring glory and honor to our Lord Jesus Christ. We continue to be in prayer for God's leading, direction, and wisdom on how He wants to grow our earthly family ❤

Love,
B

Snow Day Blues

     This past week has been a little bit of a whirlwind in our family. With the snow last Friday came sickness to the Helms household. In the early morning hours, Harper woke up throwing up in my bed! She slept with me because Josh was gone duck hunting, and she was complaining of a stomach ache all evening. Little did I know, that it was a stomach virus! So after cleaning her up, washing bedding, and getting her back to bed, I tried to get a little more sleep. A few hours later, Breckin woke up burning up! I checked her temp and it was 100.4 under her arm, meaning it would likely be one degree higher if taken orally. I called in to work saying even if I could make it through the snow and ice, I couldn't come in since I had to take care of two sick kids.
     With Breckin's heart defect, I am always extra cautious when she gets sick or runs fever. A little virus could impact her greatly and make her very sick. So, as soon as I could, I started calling around to find a clinic or doctor's office open since her pediatrician's office was closed due to the snow. I took her to an open walk-in clinic and she tested positive for the flu! So here I am with two sick kiddos and a husband out of town.
     Harper, bless her heart, still wanted to go outside and play. So, while Breckin slept, we went outside and attempted to play in the snow. We basically just walked around making footprints in the snow, and trying to find icicles. After about 10 minutes we came back inside because we were freezing, and Harper wanted to lay down. I was done with snow after that and ready for it to be gone! However that was not the story. After a long Martin Luther King Jr. weekend of staying in trying to stay warm and entertain the kids, it snowed again! By this time, the stomach virus had moved past Harper to Josh, and while he was recovering, I got it. So I spent all of Tuesday in the bed sick as a dog.
     By Wednesday, even though I was still feeling puny, I wanted to get out of the house! The snow had not been fun, we had watched every movie, played every game, and read every book in the house. But, since we were all likely still contagious from either flu or the stomach virus, we couldn't go anywhere! I love spending time with my girls and my husband, but when I can't get out of the house, I go crazy!! I was feeling down, and being very negative about everything!
     I write all this not to complain about how terrible our week was, or to say "woe is me," even though that was the attitude I was having. I write this to show God's glory and goodness! Through all this bad stuff, sickness, cold, negative attitude, and downright depressing mood of mine, God's glory shone through! I've been reading a chapter every evening to my girls out of their new bible they got for Christmas:

The past few nights of reading have all emphasized the glory of God. I have been teaching my girls what this means and how we can in our regular lives show God's glory. Last night, I realized that God wants his glory shown even through this.

     Yes Breckin did get the flu, but she had a mild case! She only ran fever for one day, and she didn't end up in the hospital. We had to stay in the house all week, but God provided us with a working furnace, a working fireplace, hot water, and warm blankets. I had just gone to the grocery store before the snow came, so we had plenty of food to eat. The kids were out of school all week so they didn't have to miss any school due to being sick. Even though we were stuck inside, we were all together! I got to spend six days with these precious girls and my wonderful husband. The more I thought about the week, the more I became aware of all the things I had to be thankful for. I had been so focused on myself and my circumstances that I wasn't seeing the goodness and glory of God!

     So if you, like me, didn't have a magical, wonderful time of making memories in the snow, and are going stir-crazy from being in the house, just know it's ok. Try to find all the things there are to be thankful for in your life, because there's always something to be thankful for! God is so good!

Love, 

B

A few pics showing it wasn't all bad! :)

     

     

School Time!

     I just recently went back to some old blog posts I wrote when I was pregnant with Breckin. I love having a record of what God has done in my past, and seeing how far we have come! Those days before she was born and even after she was born, there were so many unknowns. Looking back, I can see how God has been so faithful! Today is Breckin's fourth day of preschool. I can't believe that we have made it here.
     Months before she started school, I was already a nervous wreck. I would cry every time I talked about her starting school. I was so worried that she wouldn't be ready, that she would fall behind, that she wouldn't have any friends. I shared my concerns and fears with others, and I knew several people were praying for her. I myself prayed as well for her future at school. We had our IEP meeting (which is the big meeting with all the teachers, therapists, and principal at Breckin's school, where they went over all her developmental tests and set learning goals for her) and it went extremely well. I could tell that every person in that room was concerned for Breckin's education, her well-being, and her growth and development. I left that meeting in tears, not because I was upset, but because I had such a peace about her going to this school. God had answered my prayers beyond what I could have imagined!
     A few weeks before she started, her vision therapist, Ms. Lou, met me at school a couple times before class started so Breckin could have some orientation to the room. On those days she was able to get to know her teacher better, Ms. Jaffe, and meet some of her classmates. A couple days before school started, the wonderful ladies with the TN Deafblind Project gave a training to all her teachers and therapists specifically on Breckin's needs. A slideshow was prepared full of pictures and videos of Breckin! It has been so amazing to see how God has orchestrated all these people to be in Breckin's life and to see it all fall into place.
     She has had a great first few days of school and everyone has gone above and beyond to make her feel welcome. Her vision therapist filled the room with tactile symbols and labels so Breckin would know all the parts of the classroom. She brought her textured paper to use in art class, and the school ordered a walker for her to use at school. Her teachers have sent me pictures and videos and updates, so I don't have to worry at all! I am so thankful that we are at this school and so thankful for her amazing teachers and therapists. I also just want to thank everyone who has been praying for this transition with me!
     You would think I would know now not to worry and be afraid of what the future holds for Breckin. Looking over these past three years, God has had a hand in every step. He constantly tells me to trust Him, and He's right! Even if things don't go the way I plan or want them to, they are still the way God intends them, and His ways are perfect!

Love,
B

     Just a few pics from her first couple days of school

 So excited for her first day!

 Here's her walker which has a little seat so she can take a rest :)

 Got kisses from big sis at school

 Dancing during music class!

     The beloved beanbag!

He is Still Good

     Ever since Breckin was born, we have wanted a third child. I know it sounds kinda crazy, as if we didn't have enough to deal with just with her. But, even when we were in the NICU with her, in the midst of so many overwhelming circumstances, I still pictured us having another baby. I imagined that we would have three little girls, with Breckin being our middle child. So, when she was a little over a year old, we started trying for another baby. At first, it was a little scary imagining another baby when Breckin was still a baby herself. But then, it became exciting, waiting every month until I could take a pregnancy test. However, the excitement started to just get frustrating because a year had gone by, and we still were not pregnant.

     We decided at that time to see a fertility specialist. She recommended we both undergo testing and labwork, which we did, and everything came back normal. She also recommended that I see Dr. BK, our high-risk OB that followed me throughout my pregnancy with Breckin. My visit with him was basically a set of statistics-how likely our chance of having another child born with a heart defect (2.5-5%), how likely it was to have a child born with Breckin's same brain malformation (about the same percentage), and how likely it was that we were to have a healthy, typically developing baby (about the same as anyone else). We knew the risks were a little higher for us to have another child with special needs or health problems, but this was the desire of our hearts, and we put all our trust in God. 

     Finally, we had our first IUI. This is a rather expensive procedure (several hundred dollars), but I had been working more, and we had the money saved up. It's also a simple, quick office procedure with no downtime, so we went for it. Throughout this whole process, I had been praying for God's guidance and wisdom; for Him to lead us down the right path, and for Him to go before us. We both felt right about this decision, so we continued down the path. Unfortunately, two weeks later, I got a negative pregnancy test, and plans were made to do another IUI the next month.

     This next IUI, however, did not feel right. The finances weren't there, the timing wasn't right, and I just felt uneasy about going through with it. So, I called and cancelled it. I was disappointed, but I immediately felt a peace about the decision. Later that same day, I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a post that just said,"If not, He is still good." I realize that a quote from someone, though inspired by the Bible, is not as good as God's truth. But it was still a good reminder that even if things don't go your way, God is still good. 

     So, the next month, it was a few days past my normal cycle time, but I didn't think anything of it. We didn't do the IUI, so we couldn't be pregnant-I was just late. After another day, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! God had answered our prayers, and He chose to do it all on His own. He didn't need any medical procedure to perform this miracle! Josh and I were over the moon, but we wanted to keep it a secret from our families until we went for our first ultrasound. So at seven weeks pregnant, I had my first ultrasound.  Josh was running late, so it was just me in there with the ultrasound tech. As I watched the screen, I didn't see the familiar heartbeat sign. The tech was silent for several minutes, and I knew from experience that this was bad news. She told me that she only saw a gestational sac, measuring 5 weeks and 5 days, but no baby. She told me that sometimes this happens if your dates are off, and you're not as far along as you think. But I knew my dates were not off. This baby didn't make it.

     I had to relay the news to Josh when he arrived, and we both just sat in silence. I was crushed, and angry that we were losing another baby. Two days later, I was helping to lead children's worship at church, and we led them in the song, "Good, Good Father." Again, another reminder that God is still good! However, it was very difficult for me to accept that right then. That first week was terrible, and I struggled with accepting God's goodness, and accepting that this was His perfect plan for me. But eventually, after several days of grieving, I gave everything back over to Him. We had an altar call at church that Sunday night, and I laid my burdens at His feet. I immediately felt a peace after doing that, and just felt relief wash over me. 

     Several weeks later, I went back to that Instagram post, and looked up the passage of scripture that inspired that particular quote. It took me to the book of Daniel chapter 3-the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They were three Jewish men who were not worshipping the golden gods that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up; they worshipped the one true God. King Nebuchadnezzar made the proclamation that anyone who did not worship these gods would be thrown into the furnace to die. The king confronted the men and they told him that the God they serve would save them from the fiery furnace. But, that even if he didn't, they would still not worship the golden idols. Anyone who knows this story knows that they did get thrown into the furnace, and that God did indeed save them. However, they were still willing to worship the Lord and honor Him even if He didn't answer their prayers in the way they wanted Him to.
     I still believe that God is good. Some days it is harder than others to believe this, but I know it to be true. Josh and I still have a desire for another child, and that continues to be our prayer. I may never know or understand why God has allowed us to experience the loss of a second baby, but I do know that He is good, His plans for us are perfect, and He can still be trusted.

Love,
B

   

    

Letting God Lead

     I want to share a little story on here of a recent doctor's visit. So, we have been followed by a certain ENT doc since Breckin was born. She has put tubes in her ears twice, and is scheduled to do Breckin's cleft palate repair this summer. However, all through these visits, something just kept tugging at me making me unsure of her. We haven't really had any issues with her, she has great bedside manner, and she has been very cautious this whole time with Breckin, considering her heart defect. Just recently though, I have come across a few moms whose children had their cleft palates repaired by Dr. Wallace, a plastic surgeon. They highly recommended him. One of the moms even told me about this cleft clinic that involves a panel of doctors that sees your child.
     All through our time with this ENT doctor, we were never told about a cleft clinic, and I came to find out that she is even one of the doctors on the cleft team! So, with Breckin's surgery continuing to be pushed back for one reason or another, I thought this would give me a great chance to seek a second opinion. So after much prayer, I decide to call and make an appointment with Dr. Wallace. Shortly after that appointment was made, Breckin had her second set of tubes put in by this same ENT. Everything went great, she answered all our questions, and we even talked a little bit about the upcoming cleft repair. So I left that surgery thinking, Hmm, maybe we don't need a second opinion. Maybe we'll just stick with her. I continued to pray for wisdom, because I felt like I was just not getting a clear answer on what to do.
     Fast forward to a week before the appointment. I am seriously considering cancelling the appointment with Dr. Wallace when I see a friend at the gym that just so happens to be a nurse at LeBonheur. The topic of Breckin gets brought up and I just casually mention the ENT doctor that is scheduled to do Breckin's cleft palate surgery. My friend looks at me and says, "You need to see Dr. Wallace." She tells me that she has just seen higher complications from our ENT doctor's patients. She told me if it was her child, she would get Dr. Wallace to do the surgery. Finally, I felt like I had a clear answer! I felt a total peace about keeping the appointment now because I felt like this was the wisdom I had been seeking.
     So Breckin and I show up to the appointment, and who walks into the waiting room? Our ENT doctor! Talk about awkward! I think we both try to play it cool, she says hi, I say hi. Then she tells me she will be presenting Breckin's case to Dr. Wallace. What?! We are finally called back, and a whole team of doctors and nurses all walk into this exam room at once. Our ENT doctor takes the lead, and gives Dr. Wallace some facts about Breckin, gives him her plan, and then she asks me if I have any questions or concerns. Uh yes I do, I have questions and concerns about you! I was dumbfounded. I felt completely backed into a corner. There was no way I could state my concerns in this setting with all these doctors in the room. Dr. Wallace pretty much said ok sounds good, we'll follow up in a year once your palate is repaired. The visit was less than five minutes and all doctors walked out the door and we were free to go.
     I left there that day feeling angry, upset, confused, and completely defeated. I just prayed to God asking again for wisdom. I felt like He lead us there, and then we just completely hit a dead end. After some prayer, I talked to my husband and a couple friends to seek some Godly advice. They all suggested I call back and talk to his nurse to try to make her understand the situation better. So, that's what I did. Thankfully she called me back the same day, and when I explained the reason for us wanting to see Dr. Wallace, she completely understood. She told me that when I initially called to make the appointment, there was a miscommunication. She thought I wanted to be seen by the cleft team, not to see Dr. Wallace for a surgery consult. So, we made another appointment with Dr. Wallace only, and we will see him at the end of this month.
     Every step of Breckin's journey has to be completely covered in prayer! There are so many doctor's visits, surgeries, procedures, therapies, medications, etc. that are part of her life. And I make it a priority to take everything to God. I want Him to lead us every step of the way. So, with this particular situation, I struggled because I just wasn't getting clear answers. I was consistently praying for wisdom and guidance, but it just has not been an easy situation. I completely believe that God led me to that friend in the gym that day to say the exact words that I needed to hear. I also know that just because God leads you down a certain path, it doesn't mean it's going to be a smooth ride.
     So now with a new appointment with the specific surgeon we want to see, I feel like I will be able to voice my concerns, and I will be able to get my questions answered. I'm sure I will be put in awkward and uncomfortable situations in the future with our ENT doctor, but I want my daughter to have the best care possible. This is a major surgery, and just being a nice person does not ensure that a surgery will go well. So if you think about us, please pray for this upcoming appointment and for continued guidance throughout this process. Your prayers, as always, are greatly appreciated!

Love, B

Life Lately

     I hate waiting so long before I write a blog post. I feel like we have gone through so much and I have gone through so many emotions since I last wrote. I also feel like I have learned a lot too. Maybe my new year's resolution should be to set aside time every week or at least every month specifically to write. We'll see how that goes ;)
     Since I last wrote, Breckin was supposed to have had her cleft palate repair. However, it was cancelled due to a cough and nasal congestion that she had been battling for weeks before the surgery. We did everything we could do to get rid of it, including putting her on two weeks of an antibiotic. The day the surgery was postponed (a day before her scheduled surgery), I was an emotional wreck. We had been planning and preparing for this surgery, and we had met our huge deductible for the year! So, for it to be postponed until the next year was a huge disappointment!
     The only thing that got me through the next few days was reminding myself of God's sovereignty. There was no way I was going to understand why any of this was happening-why she was born this way, why she had to have surgery, why she had a cold, why her surgery was postponed. I just kept reflecting on verses in the Bible that speak of God's ways and plans being higher than mine, of His purpose being greater than mine, and of his timing being more perfect than mine. One of the verses I meditated on during that time is Isaiah 55:8-"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." I was not particularly pleased with my situation, but I find my comfort in knowing that God knows what's best.
     Now in hindsight, it probably was a good thing Breckin didn't have her surgery as planned. Her "cold" made a turn for the worse the weekend before Christmas. That Friday morning, after a restless night of what seemed like non-stop coughing, we took her to her pediatrician. Her breathing was labored, she had fever, and her oxygen level had dropped into the 60s. Our pediatrician called an ambulance, and I rode with Breckin to Lebonheur hospital downtown. At the hospital, they ran several tests, did some bloodwork, and got a chest x-ray. Thankfully, RSV and flu were negative, bloodwork looked good, and chest x-ray only showed an upper respiratory infection. However, she was still pretty sick and was requiring 10 liters of oxygen just to maintain her saturations in the high 70s. By the grace of God, she quickly improved, and we got to go home only three days later. She was still sick, but we didn't have to go home on oxygen, and we got to enjoy our Christmas at home as a family!
     Breckin is much better now, and only coughs every so often. As far as surgery goes, her cleft palate repair has now been pushed to June of this year! Our ENT wants all the flu and cold germs to be gone before attempting this surgery. However, we will have a minor surgery on Valentine's Day. She is requiring tubes in her ears for the second time. So, we are still trying to keep Breckin pretty isolated and trying not to put her in the nursery or settings where she will be around a lot of other children. A simple cold that a typical child gets can land Breckin in the hospital!
     We also saw the audiologist when we saw ENT, and she gave me a tiny lecture on Breckin wearing her hearing aids. I honestly had just stopped putting them on her. I felt like she could hear fine, and it was just a hassle to put them in, take them out for naps, baths, bedtime, etc. Then keep them clean and replace the batteries every few days. However, the audiologist let me hear an example of how Breckin hears compared to how we hear. She played a recording of a conversation at a normal talking level. Then she played what Breckin hears, and it was like the volume on the conversation was turned way down. So yes she can hear, but it's at a much lower volume than normal. Since Breckin is really starting to imitate words and talk more, it's important for her to be able to hear us say these words clearly. So of course I had some mommy guilt after this, and immediately went home to get her hearing aids ready to wear.
     Breckin's biggest milestone lately is standing on her own! A couple weeks ago at church, Josh was out in the lobby with her (since we're trying to keep her away from the nursery), and she just started standing. He tried to help hold her hands, but she pushed him away. When I got out of the service, he showed me what she could do, and I burst into tears! I was so overwhelmed with joy and amazement! God truly is so good, and can do way more than I could ever imagine!
     Breckin is also saying a few words, mostly people's names. She has been saying "mama" and "daddy", but now she says "Ha-ha" for Harper and "ah-ah" for Avery, her little cousin. She says several other words that don't quite sound like the word it's supposed to be, but I know what she's saying. Most of her words just don't have the correct beginning sound, but this could be for many reasons. It could be her lack of sight, her cleft, or the fact that she can't hear the words clearly. So once she starts wearing her hearing aids regularly, and after her cleft repair, I can imagine she will be talking much more!
     It's amazing to think that right after Breckin was born, I had no idea if she would be able to talk or walk. Now, I feel like those things are not only possible, but are right around the corner! As challenging as Breckin can be at times, it is so worth all the struggles to see her consistently meet these milestones. The joy she brings to our lives far outweighs the pain!

Love,
B
   

 She had so much fun opening gifts on Christmas

 Playing with her sweet cousin

 She loves rocking babies

She is so loved by her big sister!

I tried like ten times to upload a video on here of her standing, but never could get it to work! So, if you follow me on facebook, you can find it on there :)

I've Got A Toddler!

     So it has been quite a while since I have posted. I have been meaning to write about so much lately, but the time just gets away from me. This past summer has flown by, and now here it is fall! Breckin has been making so much progress, and I have just been in such awe of her recently. (Well, I'm always in awe of her, but lately it has been like a daily thing!) Harper also continues to amaze me with her love and care towards her little sister. I would love to take credit for teaching her to be this way, but I think that's just how God made her. :)

     The biggest thing with Breckin lately I think would be her mobility. She has a tiny little walker and she uses it to walk around. I was amazed the first time she used it independently because she was actually standing and walking by herself! She also has learned to crawl to get where she wants to go. This was a skill that her therapists and I thought she just might skip, but of course she proved us wrong! She pulls up to standing onto anything that is stable enough to hold her-the couch, Harper's little table, our tv console, our bed, etc. She is also cruising, taking steps side-to-side as she holds onto whatever it is she has pulled up to. We are actually going to have to start baby proofing the house now, and being completely aware of where she is at all times. Even with Harper, we didn't do much baby proofing. She just didn't get into things. This is a whole new thing for us, but I am so glad for it!

     Just like the walking and crawling is a normal baby milestone that she has reached, Breckin is also starting to act like a toddler! She had a swallow study a few weeks ago, and she behaved terribly! She pushed the cup away, pursed her lips together tightly so nothing could get in, and she swatted her hands at whoever was trying to get near her. I was so embarrassed! However, the therapists doing the study said that she was just acting like a normal toddler her age! Can you say that again please? My toddler was just acting like all the other toddlers out there! Despite her challenging behavior, I was so pleased to hear she was being normal! And in spite of her acting out, they were still able to get clear pictures and a conclusive result. She passed her test and we no longer have to thicken her milk! I think I was in a little bit of shock when they told me this. I was still on cloud nine from hearing that Breckin was acting like a typical child her age, so when I learned that we would no longer need to make follow-up swallow studies, and could give her regular milk, I was floored!

     A couple months ago, I went through a period of loneliness. Not that I didn't have people around me, but that when it came to being Breckin's mom, I felt lonely. I would see other moms with their children, and I just couldn't relate. Their struggles with their children were things I wish were my struggles with Breckin. Things like screaming when they can't have what they want, constantly getting into things they're not supposed to, throwing toys, etc. I found myself wishing Breckin would do these things, so I could relate to the other moms out there. And now since then, I have had several people tell me that Breckin's behaviors are typical for her age. I never thought I would be so thrilled to be entering into the terrible twos! 

     It is just so cool to see how God works in her little life. During her early days, I would never have imagined she would be where she is today. I see God's fingerprints all over her. She truly was created in his image, and she is "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). God also continues to work in my life through her and Harper. Seeing the faith and strength my children have, has helped strengthen my faith in Christ. Harper and I say prayers together every evening, and most nights, she just prays what's on her heart. Twice last week, she prayed that Breckin would be able to see her one day. I don't even pray this prayer, but Harper truly believes this is something God is capable of doing, and He is! She has inspired me to start praying this for Breckin. Harper is always saying how much she loves Breckin. She said the other day that she loves her so much she wants another blind baby just like her! Talk about tears! 

     Seeing how Breckin continues to overcome obstacles and reach milestones despite her weaknesses, just speaks volumes to God's power and goodness. I feel like every blog post somehow comes back to this common theme: God is good and sovereign. Sometimes we don't get to see how God is working things out for our good on this side of heaven. However, sometimes we do, and I get to see it everyday in my life. I know that there is much more that God has planned for Breckin's life, and there may be things being done for His glory that I won't get to see until I meet Him face-to-face. I just know that God has given me the pleasure of seeing first hand how His ways and plans are not mine.
     There is so much more that I can write about, but I will end today's post. My goal is to write more frequently when God puts things on my heart, and not put it off. Thank you to everyone who reads this, and prays for our family. It means more to me than you know!

Love,
B

 Little musician

 Sweet sisters

 B has the best big sis!

Standing up and making messes!

     

The Lord Provides

     The past several weeks, I have been reflecting on the past two years of my life. Almost two years ago, I was pregnant with Breckin, and we were told that she had a severe heart defect, and a brain malformation. The name of the Lord Jehovah-jireh has come to my mind lately. It means The Lord Will Provide. It was first used in Genesis 22 when the Lord provided a ram for Abraham so he wouldn't have to offer his son Isaac as a sacrifice.
     When looking back at these past two years, I have seen overwhelming evidence of the Lord providing. Not only does Breckin have a severe heart defect and a brain malformation, but she also is blind. We didn't know this last part until after she was born. I remember sitting in her hospital room talking with my dear friend Darlene, and asking, "What am I going to do with a blind child?" She didn't really know the answer, but she just told me that God would give me what I needed. She was right.
     God provided emotional support (and still does) from so many friends and family. In those early days of Breckin's life after leaving the hospital, I had some tough days. My mom and mother-in-law were a phone call away and within a few minutes, one of them could usually be at the house to give me some relief. Friends were just a text away when I needed some prayers sent my way. My husband was and still is an amazing partner in this journey. He always seems to know what I need when I need it, and at times he can handle Breckin and give her what she needs in ways I can't.
     When we were able to get back to church when Breckin was a couple months old, we had to keep her with us during the service, and either sit in a special "cry" room or in the foyer so that we could feed her. At this time, she was still getting the majority of her feeds in her feeding tube, so we couldn't put her in the nursery. However, our church soon saw that we had a need and they worked to meet it. They hired a registered nurse to work in the nursery on Sunday mornings just to feed Breckin so that we could go to our Bible fellowship class and worship in the sanctuary. Again, the Lord provided through our amazing church family.
     The Lord has also provided through some amazing therapists who truly love Breckin and want to see her excel in life. Breckin receives four different therapies a month, and they all have helped her (and me) in so many ways. When you have a normal, typical, healthy child you don't think about having to teach them to play and eat. However, when you have a child with special needs, you have to work to achieve these things. Breckin's therapists have been so monumental in helping her reach so many milestones. They are constantly offering so much wisdom and hope to me that encourage me to work with Breckin everyday.
     Just recently, thanks to another mom of a child with special needs, I was put into contact with the TN deaf-blind registry. I went to an all-day workshop in March that took place in Nashville. At this workshop, I was given so much valuable information on children with sensory deprivation (in this case, Breckin's lack of vision). I was also able to meet with two of the women who are part of this association. Several weeks ago, these women, one of whom is a vision specialist, came to my house and spent over two hours with Breckin. They were so impressed with her and how smart she is, and were such an encouragement. They also gave me access to so many resources and information on how to raise Breckin as a child who is blind.
     I could go on and on if I had the time telling you how God has provided for us in Breckin's short life. But, I'll end with this verse: "And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Jesus Christ." (Philippians 4:19) I am a witness for this verse and here to tell you that He truly does provide for your needs!

Love,
B

 Playing with blocks

 Training the next generation of therapists

Matching texture squares

   

God is Good All The Time

     I don't think I have anything truly profound or inspiring to write about today, but I haven't posted in a while, and just felt like God was telling me to write. The fact that I don't have a lot to say is actually a pretty awesome thing. In the last couple months, I feel like God has just given me a little break from struggles. Of course things aren't perfect, but things have not been particularly challenging either.
     Breckin has just made so many leaps and bounds lately. She had a swallow study a few weeks ago, and did not aspirate on thin liquids! We got the okay to give her tastes of plain water (without thickening!) several times a day. We were able to wean her off one of her heart meds, and so far she is tolerating it. Her oxygen level, while still low, is stable for her. She has learned to pretty much feed herself with a spoon, she is saying "mama," although still not consistently, and she is learning hand motions to several new songs. Also, just last week, she learned to move herself with her feet on a ride-on toy. This is huge for her, because up until then, she had no way of moving herself independently. She doesn't crawl or walk, so this gives her a way to move herself around!
    Harper has also been such a great helper with Breckin. When I leave the room where they're playing, I don't have any worries about Breckin. Harper is so sweet and gentle with her, and if Breckin starts fussing or crying, Harper sings her favorite songs to her and rubs her head or hands which always calms her down. She is like an extra pair of hands for me at times too. If I am occupied with Breckin, and need something, Harper is usually pretty eager to get it for me. She also told my mom the other day, that since Breckin can't see, she will lead her around and show her where to go.
     Both of my girls just totally impress and amaze me everyday. God definitely knew what he was doing when he gave us Harper three years before he gave us Breckin. I was actually pregnant in between the two of them, and we lost the baby at 15 weeks. For the longest time, I just never understood why God allowed that to happen. Part of it I believe was just God's timing. He knew Breckin was going to have very special needs and the age gap between them I think needed to be exactly what it is. I also think that going through that hard time helped prepare us for the next hardship we would go through with having Breckin.
     I am trying to do my best to soak up this "easy" time in life right now, because I know that just around the corner, there will be more hard times. I think God gives us these little breaks to remind us that He is good. We get these "breathers" so that when the struggles come, we will still know that He is good. He gives us just what we need when we need it, whether we are going through hard times or easy times.
     I have spent so much time praising God through the storm, that I want to make sure that I praise Him through the sunshine too! I know that with Breckin, there will always be challenges, and struggles, and hard times. But, there will also be laughter, and joy, and beauty. And most of the time, all these things tend to overlap. Looking back over the past 16 months of Breckin's life, I can see that I have a good Father, and that He is good all the time!

Love,
B

What I Want to Say to the Stranger in the Grocery Store

     One of the most common things people say to me when out in public with Breckin is, "Is she asleep?" The reason everyone thinks she's asleep is because for the majority of the time, her eyes are closed. Even when she opens them wide as she tilts her head back to give me slobbery kisses, they are very small. Most of the time, I just tell people, yeah I think she's trying to go to sleep. Or, yeah it's her nap time. Every so often though, I just tell them no she's not asleep, she's blind.
     It never fails that when I tell someone this, they always respond with a sad, "I'm so sorry." I immediately smile and try to turn the conversation around. I tell the person that it's nothing to be sorry about, that she's a happy baby, and that she's such a blessing. Most of the time though, I feel like the person walks away not really believing that I meant any of that. They probably leave feeling sorry for me and Breckin, and may even tell the sad story of meeting a mom with a blind child at the grocery store that day.
    The truth is, my smile that I give that person, is genuine. The words that come out of my mouth when I talk about my child, are sincere. They are not just things I say to strangers to make them feel better, or to make me feel better about Breckin being blind. I am truly and unbelievably blessed to be called by God to be this girl's mother. She amazes me everyday.
     Now of course, being a mother to this girl does not come without it's challenges. There have been many days when I have asked God why He did call me to be her mother. Everyday has some sort of struggle, but everyday also has breathtaking beauty. When I watch my 14-month-old feel around her to find the toy that she wants and grab it, when she reaches for me to pick her up when she hears my voice, when she rolls a car back and forth with me, and when she sings to me with her sweet "la-la-la," I am blessed. When she claps for herself, raises her hand in the air to praise the Lord, and rolls her hands around to tell me she wants to hear "The Wheels on the Bus," I am amazed.
     Seeing her live life, allows me to understand more about the sovereignty, goodness, and power of God. When Breckin was first born, I didn't think she would be able to do any of the things that she is doing now. When we learned that she was born with multiple birth defects, I thought, what are her chances of living a normal life? (By the way, I hate even referring to any part of her as having a defect. To me, they are far from imperfections or flaws, but just part of what makes her who she is.) God is so big though. His power is not confined by something like birth defects.
     From now on, I plan on being even more outspoken about my daughter's blindness. I want others to be blessed by her as much as I am. I want others to see the awesomeness and majesty of God through her. And I want others to see that God did not give her this to be a punishment or curse, but so that He would be glorified!

Love,
Brooke

Meekness and Weakness

     So this new year has been a little tough so far. Being a mom to a special needs child is just hard. I have definitely felt inadequate lately. A patient at work asked me last week, "How do you do it?", and another patient who saw me with Breckin when Josh brought her up to work one day, said that I am an awesome mom. I told the first man that well I don't do it. It's all part of God's plan for my life and I just have to rest in that fact. To the second man, I said that no I'm not awesome, but God is awesome. I tried to convey to both of these men that any perceived strength or awesomeness is not me at all, but a reflection of God. Because I for sure wasn't feeling strong or awesome.

     Several days of feeling pretty depressed went by last week. I was just feeling scared and discouraged about Breckin's future. The fact that she is blind and will always be that way just really hit me. Because of her blindness, she will always have challenges, and this thought completely overwhelmed me. At the time of this overwhelming thought of her future, she was also regressing with her feeding, being overly fussy all the time, and just not being pleasant to be around. I was finding myself envious of other mothers without special needs children. Mothers who don't have to constantly "work" with their children to teach them the normal baby things they should be doing. Mothers who can put food on their child's high chair tray and their baby will just eat it. Mothers who don't have to be conscious of every calorie that their baby consumes so they can make up the difference in their feeding tube. Mothers who don't wake up every few hours at night because their blind child doesn't know that it's nighttime and that she should be sleeping. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. 

     Needless to say, I was just not feeling it, the whole accepting this as part of God's plan. I know that it's a sin to be envious of others, and I do know that God chose me to be Breckin's mom. I also realized that I had not been spending quality time with the Lord lately. Because of the busyness of life, I have to make time for God, and I wasn't doing it. Once I finally did, He revealed to me in 1 Peter 3:4 that He finds great worth in a gentle and quiet spirit. This word "gentle" also means "meek." In my girls' bible study last year, we studied about meekness in the beatitudes. Matthew 5:5 states," Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." During this study, I truly learned what meekness meant.

     According to the blue letter bible, "meekness toward God is that disposition of the spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without resisting or disputing." I was definitely not having a meek spirit at that time, but it was because I wasn't "in the spirit" like I should be. I had neglected my prayer time and time spent in the Word for several days, and it was evident in my attitude and disposition. I'm so grateful that my study of 1 Peter led me to remember about studying meekness in Matthew last year. I'm so thankful that God's word is relevant and He reveals His character and attributes to me in every book of the bible.
     So yes life is hard, and circumstances that are out of my control are difficult to handle. I think it's okay though to be sad, and to cry sometimes. It's okay to show my weaknesses to others. God loves our weaknesses because it is in them that His glory is shown. 1 Corinthians 12:9 says,"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." This is me, boasting about my weaknesses, but also recognizing that for God to do His power in my life, I need to be in the spirit, resting in His word.
     I may get discouraged when life with Breckin seems to be one step forward, and then two steps back. However, I rejoice in those steps forward. Some weeks go by and those steps forward seem few and far between. And in those weeks, I must be more meek, accepting these things that are dealt me as good.


Love,
Brooke