Wednesday, October 12, 2016

I've Got A Toddler!

     So it has been quite a while since I have posted. I have been meaning to write about so much lately, but the time just gets away from me. This past summer has flown by, and now here it is fall! Breckin has been making so much progress, and I have just been in such awe of her recently. (Well, I'm always in awe of her, but lately it has been like a daily thing!) Harper also continues to amaze me with her love and care towards her little sister. I would love to take credit for teaching her to be this way, but I think that's just how God made her. :)
     The biggest thing with Breckin lately I think would be her mobility. She has a tiny little walker and she uses it to walk around. I was amazed the first time she used it independently because she was actually standing and walking by herself! She also has learned to crawl to get where she wants to go. This was a skill that her therapists and I thought she just might skip, but of course she proved us wrong! She pulls up to standing onto anything that is stable enough to hold her-the couch, Harper's little table, our tv console, our bed, etc. She is also cruising, taking steps side-to-side as she holds onto whatever it is she has pulled up to. We are actually going to have to start baby proofing the house now, and being completely aware of where she is at all times. Even with Harper, we didn't do much baby proofing. She just didn't get into things. This is a whole new thing for us, but I am so glad for it!
     Just like the walking and crawling is a normal baby milestone that she has reached, Breckin is also starting to act like a toddler! She had a swallow study a few weeks ago, and she behaved terribly! She pushed the cup away, pursed her lips together tightly so nothing could get in, and she swatted her hands at whoever was trying to get near her. I was so embarrassed! However, the therapists doing the study said that she was just acting like a normal toddler her age! Can you say that again please? My toddler was just acting like all the other toddlers out there! Despite her challenging behavior, I was so pleased to hear she was being normal! And in spite of her acting out, they were still able to get clear pictures and a conclusive result. She passed her test and we no longer have to thicken her milk! I think I was in a little bit of shock when they told me this. I was still on cloud nine from hearing that Breckin was acting like a typical child her age, so when I learned that we would no longer need to make follow-up swallow studies, and could give her regular milk, I was floored!
     A couple months ago, I went through a period of loneliness. Not that I didn't have people around me, but that when it came to being Breckin's mom, I felt lonely. I would see other moms with their children, and I just couldn't relate. Their struggles with their children were things I wish were my struggles with Breckin. Things like screaming when they can't have what they want, constantly getting into things they're not supposed to, throwing toys, etc. I found myself wishing Breckin would do these things, so I could relate to the other moms out there. And now since then, I have had several people tell me that Breckin's behaviors are typical for her age. I never thought I would be so thrilled to be entering into the terrible twos! 
     It is just so cool to see how God works in her little life. During her early days, I would never have imagined she would be where she is today. I see God's fingerprints all over her. She truly was created in his image, and she is "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). God also continues to work in my life through her and Harper. Seeing the faith and strength my children have, has helped strengthen my faith in Christ. Harper and I say prayers together every evening, and most nights, she just prays what's on her heart. Twice last week, she prayed that Breckin would be able to see her one day. I don't even pray this prayer, but Harper truly believes this is something God is capable of doing, and He is! She has inspired me to start praying this for Breckin. Harper is always saying how much she loves Breckin. She said the other day that she loves her so much she wants another blind baby just like her! Talk about tears! 
     Seeing how Breckin continues to overcome obstacles and reach milestones despite her weaknesses, just speaks volumes to God's power and goodness. I feel like every blog post somehow comes back to this common theme: God is good and sovereign. Sometimes we don't get to see how God is working things out for our good on this side of heaven. However, sometimes we do, and I get to see it everyday in my life. I know that there is much more that God has planned for Breckin's life, and there may be things being done for His glory that I won't get to see until I meet Him face-to-face. I just know that God has given me the pleasure of seeing first hand how His ways and plans are not mine.
     There is so much more that I can write about, but I will end today's post. My goal is to write more frequently when God puts things on my heart, and not put it off. Thank you to everyone who reads this, and prays for our family. It means more to me than you know!

Love,
B

 Little musician
 Sweet sisters
 B has the best big sis!
Standing up and making messes!
     

Monday, May 16, 2016

The Lord Provides

     The past several weeks, I have been reflecting on the past two years of my life. Almost two years ago, I was pregnant with Breckin, and we were told that she had a severe heart defect, and a brain malformation. The name of the Lord Jehovah-jireh has come to my mind lately. It means The Lord Will Provide. It was first used in Genesis 22 when the Lord provided a ram for Abraham so he wouldn't have to offer his son Isaac as a sacrifice.
     When looking back at these past two years, I have seen overwhelming evidence of the Lord providing. Not only does Breckin have a severe heart defect and a brain malformation, but she also is blind. We didn't know this last part until after she was born. I remember sitting in her hospital room talking with my dear friend Darlene, and asking, "What am I going to do with a blind child?" She didn't really know the answer, but she just told me that God would give me what I needed. She was right.
     God provided emotional support (and still does) from so many friends and family. In those early days of Breckin's life after leaving the hospital, I had some tough days. My mom and mother-in-law were a phone call away and within a few minutes, one of them could usually be at the house to give me some relief. Friends were just a text away when I needed some prayers sent my way. My husband was and still is an amazing partner in this journey. He always seems to know what I need when I need it, and at times he can handle Breckin and give her what she needs in ways I can't.
     When we were able to get back to church when Breckin was a couple months old, we had to keep her with us during the service, and either sit in a special "cry" room or in the foyer so that we could feed her. At this time, she was still getting the majority of her feeds in her feeding tube, so we couldn't put her in the nursery. However, our church soon saw that we had a need and they worked to meet it. They hired a registered nurse to work in the nursery on Sunday mornings just to feed Breckin so that we could go to our Bible fellowship class and worship in the sanctuary. Again, the Lord provided through our amazing church family.
     The Lord has also provided through some amazing therapists who truly love Breckin and want to see her excel in life. Breckin receives four different therapies a month, and they all have helped her (and me) in so many ways. When you have a normal, typical, healthy child you don't think about having to teach them to play and eat. However, when you have a child with special needs, you have to work to achieve these things. Breckin's therapists have been so monumental in helping her reach so many milestones. They are constantly offering so much wisdom and hope to me that encourage me to work with Breckin everyday.
     Just recently, thanks to another mom of a child with special needs, I was put into contact with the TN deaf-blind registry. I went to an all-day workshop in March that took place in Nashville. At this workshop, I was given so much valuable information on children with sensory deprivation (in this case, Breckin's lack of vision). I was also able to meet with two of the women who are part of this association. Several weeks ago, these women, one of whom is a vision specialist, came to my house and spent over two hours with Breckin. They were so impressed with her and how smart she is, and were such an encouragement. They also gave me access to so many resources and information on how to raise Breckin as a child who is blind.
     I could go on and on if I had the time telling you how God has provided for us in Breckin's short life. But, I'll end with this verse: "And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Jesus Christ." (Philippians 4:19) I am a witness for this verse and here to tell you that He truly does provide for your needs!

Love,
B
 Playing with blocks
 Training the next generation of therapists
Matching texture squares

   

Friday, April 15, 2016

God is Good All The Time

     I don't think I have anything truly profound or inspiring to write about today, but I haven't posted in a while, and just felt like God was telling me to write. The fact that I don't have a lot to say is actually a pretty awesome thing. In the last couple months, I feel like God has just given me a little break from struggles. Of course things aren't perfect, but things have not been particularly challenging either.
     Breckin has just made so many leaps and bounds lately. She had a swallow study a few weeks ago, and did not aspirate on thin liquids! We got the okay to give her tastes of plain water (without thickening!) several times a day. We were able to wean her off one of her heart meds, and so far she is tolerating it. Her oxygen level, while still low, is stable for her. She has learned to pretty much feed herself with a spoon, she is saying "mama," although still not consistently, and she is learning hand motions to several new songs. Also, just last week, she learned to move herself with her feet on a ride-on toy. This is huge for her, because up until then, she had no way of moving herself independently. She doesn't crawl or walk, so this gives her a way to move herself around!
    Harper has also been such a great helper with Breckin. When I leave the room where they're playing, I don't have any worries about Breckin. Harper is so sweet and gentle with her, and if Breckin starts fussing or crying, Harper sings her favorite songs to her and rubs her head or hands which always calms her down. She is like an extra pair of hands for me at times too. If I am occupied with Breckin, and need something, Harper is usually pretty eager to get it for me. She also told my mom the other day, that since Breckin can't see, she will lead her around and show her where to go.
     Both of my girls just totally impress and amaze me everyday. God definitely knew what he was doing when he gave us Harper three years before he gave us Breckin. I was actually pregnant in between the two of them, and we lost the baby at 15 weeks. For the longest time, I just never understood why God allowed that to happen. Part of it I believe was just God's timing. He knew Breckin was going to have very special needs and the age gap between them I think needed to be exactly what it is. I also think that going through that hard time helped prepare us for the next hardship we would go through with having Breckin.
     I am trying to do my best to soak up this "easy" time in life right now, because I know that just around the corner, there will be more hard times. I think God gives us these little breaks to remind us that He is good. We get these "breathers" so that when the struggles come, we will still know that He is good. He gives us just what we need when we need it, whether we are going through hard times or easy times.
     I have spent so much time praising God through the storm, that I want to make sure that I praise Him through the sunshine too! I know that with Breckin, there will always be challenges, and struggles, and hard times. But, there will also be laughter, and joy, and beauty. And most of the time, all these things tend to overlap. Looking back over the past 16 months of Breckin's life, I can see that I have a good Father, and that He is good all the time!

Love,
B






Monday, February 22, 2016

What I Want to Say to the Stranger in the Grocery Store

     One of the most common things people say to me when out in public with Breckin is, "Is she asleep?" The reason everyone thinks she's asleep is because for the majority of the time, her eyes are closed. Even when she opens them wide as she tilts her head back to give me slobbery kisses, they are very small. Most of the time, I just tell people, yeah I think she's trying to go to sleep. Or, yeah it's her nap time. Every so often though, I just tell them no she's not asleep, she's blind.
     It never fails that when I tell someone this, they always respond with a sad, "I'm so sorry." I immediately smile and try to turn the conversation around. I tell the person that it's nothing to be sorry about, that she's a happy baby, and that she's such a blessing. Most of the time though, I feel like the person walks away not really believing that I meant any of that. They probably leave feeling sorry for me and Breckin, and may even tell the sad story of meeting a mom with a blind child at the grocery store that day.
    The truth is, my smile that I give that person, is genuine. The words that come out of my mouth when I talk about my child, are sincere. They are not just things I say to strangers to make them feel better, or to make me feel better about Breckin being blind. I am truly and unbelievably blessed to be called by God to be this girl's mother. She amazes me everyday.
     Now of course, being a mother to this girl does not come without it's challenges. There have been many days when I have asked God why He did call me to be her mother. Everyday has some sort of struggle, but everyday also has breathtaking beauty. When I watch my 14-month-old feel around her to find the toy that she wants and grab it, when she reaches for me to pick her up when she hears my voice, when she rolls a car back and forth with me, and when she sings to me with her sweet "la-la-la," I am blessed. When she claps for herself, raises her hand in the air to praise the Lord, and rolls her hands around to tell me she wants to hear "The Wheels on the Bus," I am amazed.
     Seeing her live life, allows me to understand more about the sovereignty, goodness, and power of God. When Breckin was first born, I didn't think she would be able to do any of the things that she is doing now. When we learned that she was born with multiple birth defects, I thought, what are her chances of living a normal life? (By the way, I hate even referring to any part of her as having a defect. To me, they are far from imperfections or flaws, but just part of what makes her who she is.) God is so big though. His power is not confined by something like birth defects.
     From now on, I plan on being even more outspoken about my daughter's blindness. I want others to be blessed by her as much as I am. I want others to see the awesomeness and majesty of God through her. And I want others to see that God did not give her this to be a punishment or curse, but so that He would be glorified!

Love,
Brooke



Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Meekness and Weakness

     So this new year has been a little tough so far. Being a mom to a special needs child is just hard. I have definitely felt inadequate lately. A patient at work asked me last week, "How do you do it?", and another patient who saw me with Breckin when Josh brought her up to work one day, said that I am an awesome mom. I told the first man that well I don't do it. It's all part of God's plan for my life and I just have to rest in that fact. To the second man, I said that no I'm not awesome, but God is awesome. I tried to convey to both of these men that any perceived strength or awesomeness is not me at all, but a reflection of God. Because I for sure wasn't feeling strong or awesome.
     Several days of feeling pretty depressed went by last week. I was just feeling scared and discouraged about Breckin's future. The fact that she is blind and will always be that way just really hit me. Because of her blindness, she will always have challenges, and this thought completely overwhelmed me. At the time of this overwhelming thought of her future, she was also regressing with her feeding, being overly fussy all the time, and just not being pleasant to be around. I was finding myself envious of other mothers without special needs children. Mothers who don't have to constantly "work" with their children to teach them the normal baby things they should be doing. Mothers who can put food on their child's high chair tray and their baby will just eat it. Mothers who don't have to be conscious of every calorie that their baby consumes so they can make up the difference in their feeding tube. Mothers who don't wake up every few hours at night because their blind child doesn't know that it's nighttime and that she should be sleeping. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. 
     Needless to say, I was just not feeling it, the whole accepting this as part of God's plan. I know that it's a sin to be envious of others, and I do know that God chose me to be Breckin's mom. I also realized that I had not been spending quality time with the Lord lately. Because of the busyness of life, I have to make time for God, and I wasn't doing it. Once I finally did, He revealed to me in 1 Peter 3:4 that He finds great worth in a gentle and quiet spirit. This word "gentle" also means "meek." In my girls' bible study last year, we studied about meekness in the beatitudes. Matthew 5:5 states," Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." During this study, I truly learned what meekness meant.
     According to the blue letter bible, "meekness toward God is that disposition of the spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without resisting or disputing." I was definitely not having a meek spirit at that time, but it was because I wasn't "in the spirit" like I should be. I had neglected my prayer time and time spent in the Word for several days, and it was evident in my attitude and disposition. I'm so grateful that my study of 1 Peter led me to remember about studying meekness in Matthew last year. I'm so thankful that God's word is relevant and He reveals His character and attributes to me in every book of the bible.
     So yes life is hard, and circumstances that are out of my control are difficult to handle. I think it's okay though to be sad, and to cry sometimes. It's okay to show my weaknesses to others. God loves our weaknesses because it is in them that His glory is shown. 1 Corinthians 12:9 says,"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." This is me, boasting about my weaknesses, but also recognizing that for God to do His power in my life, I need to be in the spirit, resting in His word.
     I may get discouraged when life with Breckin seems to be one step forward, and then two steps back. However, I rejoice in those steps forward. Some weeks go by and those steps forward seem few and far between. And in those weeks, I must be more meek, accepting these things that are dealt me as good.


Love,
Brooke