Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Meekness and Weakness

     So this new year has been a little tough so far. Being a mom to a special needs child is just hard. I have definitely felt inadequate lately. A patient at work asked me last week, "How do you do it?", and another patient who saw me with Breckin when Josh brought her up to work one day, said that I am an awesome mom. I told the first man that well I don't do it. It's all part of God's plan for my life and I just have to rest in that fact. To the second man, I said that no I'm not awesome, but God is awesome. I tried to convey to both of these men that any perceived strength or awesomeness is not me at all, but a reflection of God. Because I for sure wasn't feeling strong or awesome.
     Several days of feeling pretty depressed went by last week. I was just feeling scared and discouraged about Breckin's future. The fact that she is blind and will always be that way just really hit me. Because of her blindness, she will always have challenges, and this thought completely overwhelmed me. At the time of this overwhelming thought of her future, she was also regressing with her feeding, being overly fussy all the time, and just not being pleasant to be around. I was finding myself envious of other mothers without special needs children. Mothers who don't have to constantly "work" with their children to teach them the normal baby things they should be doing. Mothers who can put food on their child's high chair tray and their baby will just eat it. Mothers who don't have to be conscious of every calorie that their baby consumes so they can make up the difference in their feeding tube. Mothers who don't wake up every few hours at night because their blind child doesn't know that it's nighttime and that she should be sleeping. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. 
     Needless to say, I was just not feeling it, the whole accepting this as part of God's plan. I know that it's a sin to be envious of others, and I do know that God chose me to be Breckin's mom. I also realized that I had not been spending quality time with the Lord lately. Because of the busyness of life, I have to make time for God, and I wasn't doing it. Once I finally did, He revealed to me in 1 Peter 3:4 that He finds great worth in a gentle and quiet spirit. This word "gentle" also means "meek." In my girls' bible study last year, we studied about meekness in the beatitudes. Matthew 5:5 states," Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." During this study, I truly learned what meekness meant.
     According to the blue letter bible, "meekness toward God is that disposition of the spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without resisting or disputing." I was definitely not having a meek spirit at that time, but it was because I wasn't "in the spirit" like I should be. I had neglected my prayer time and time spent in the Word for several days, and it was evident in my attitude and disposition. I'm so grateful that my study of 1 Peter led me to remember about studying meekness in Matthew last year. I'm so thankful that God's word is relevant and He reveals His character and attributes to me in every book of the bible.
     So yes life is hard, and circumstances that are out of my control are difficult to handle. I think it's okay though to be sad, and to cry sometimes. It's okay to show my weaknesses to others. God loves our weaknesses because it is in them that His glory is shown. 1 Corinthians 12:9 says,"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." This is me, boasting about my weaknesses, but also recognizing that for God to do His power in my life, I need to be in the spirit, resting in His word.
     I may get discouraged when life with Breckin seems to be one step forward, and then two steps back. However, I rejoice in those steps forward. Some weeks go by and those steps forward seem few and far between. And in those weeks, I must be more meek, accepting these things that are dealt me as good.


Love,
Brooke