Monday, November 6, 2017

He is Still Good

     Ever since Breckin was born, we have wanted a third child. I know it sounds kinda crazy, as if we didn't have enough to deal with just with her. But, even when we were in the NICU with her, in the midst of so many overwhelming circumstances, I still pictured us having another baby. I imagined that we would have three little girls, with Breckin being our middle child. So, when she was a little over a year old, we started trying for another baby. At first, it was a little scary imagining another baby when Breckin was still a baby herself. But then, it became exciting, waiting every month until I could take a pregnancy test. However, the excitement started to just get frustrating because a year had gone by, and we still were not pregnant.
     We decided at that time to see a fertility specialist. She recommended we both undergo testing and labwork, which we did, and everything came back normal. She also recommended that I see Dr. BK, our high-risk OB that followed me throughout my pregnancy with Breckin. My visit with him was basically a set of statistics-how likely our chance of having another child born with a heart defect (2.5-5%), how likely it was to have a child born with Breckin's same brain malformation (about the same percentage), and how likely it was that we were to have a healthy, typically developing baby (about the same as anyone else). We knew the risks were a little higher for us to have another child with special needs or health problems, but this was the desire of our hearts, and we put all our trust in God. 
     Finally, we had our first IUI. This is a rather expensive procedure (several hundred dollars), but I had been working more, and we had the money saved up. It's also a simple, quick office procedure with no downtime, so we went for it. Throughout this whole process, I had been praying for God's guidance and wisdom; for Him to lead us down the right path, and for Him to go before us. We both felt right about this decision, so we continued down the path. Unfortunately, two weeks later, I got a negative pregnancy test, and plans were made to do another IUI the next month.
     This next IUI, however, did not feel right. The finances weren't there, the timing wasn't right, and I just felt uneasy about going through with it. So, I called and cancelled it. I was disappointed, but I immediately felt a peace about the decision. Later that same day, I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a post that just said,"If not, He is still good." I realize that a quote from someone, though inspired by the Bible, is not as good as God's truth. But it was still a good reminder that even if things don't go your way, God is still good. 
     So, the next month, it was a few days past my normal cycle time, but I didn't think anything of it. We didn't do the IUI, so we couldn't be pregnant-I was just late. After another day, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! God had answered our prayers, and He chose to do it all on His own. He didn't need any medical procedure to perform this miracle! Josh and I were over the moon, but we wanted to keep it a secret from our families until we went for our first ultrasound. So at seven weeks pregnant, I had my first ultrasound.  Josh was running late, so it was just me in there with the ultrasound tech. As I watched the screen, I didn't see the familiar heartbeat sign. The tech was silent for several minutes, and I knew from experience that this was bad news. She told me that she only saw a gestational sac, measuring 5 weeks and 5 days, but no baby. She told me that sometimes this happens if your dates are off, and you're not as far along as you think. But I knew my dates were not off. This baby didn't make it.
     I had to relay the news to Josh when he arrived, and we both just sat in silence. I was crushed, and angry that we were losing another baby. Two days later, I was helping to lead children's worship at church, and we led them in the song, "Good, Good Father." Again, another reminder that God is still good! However, it was very difficult for me to accept that right then. That first week was terrible, and I struggled with accepting God's goodness, and accepting that this was His perfect plan for me. But eventually, after several days of grieving, I gave everything back over to Him. We had an altar call at church that Sunday night, and I laid my burdens at His feet. I immediately felt a peace after doing that, and just felt relief wash over me. 
     Several weeks later, I went back to that Instagram post, and looked up the passage of scripture that inspired that particular quote. It took me to the book of Daniel chapter 3-the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They were three Jewish men who were not worshipping the golden gods that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up; they worshipped the one true God. King Nebuchadnezzar made the proclamation that anyone who did not worship these gods would be thrown into the furnace to die. The king confronted the men and they told him that the God they serve would save them from the fiery furnace. But, that even if he didn't, they would still not worship the golden idols. Anyone who knows this story knows that they did get thrown into the furnace, and that God did indeed save them. However, they were still willing to worship the Lord and honor Him even if He didn't answer their prayers in the way they wanted Him to.
     I still believe that God is good. Some days it is harder than others to believe this, but I know it to be true. Josh and I still have a desire for another child, and that continues to be our prayer. I may never know or understand why God has allowed us to experience the loss of a second baby, but I do know that He is good, His plans for us are perfect, and He can still be trusted.

Love,
B