Our Big News!

     So a lot has happened since I last posted on here. While writing my last blog post, little did I know that I was actually pregnant! I found out about a week later, and I was truly in shock! I had just decided to put that part of my life on hold. I was training for my first marathon, and Josh and I had booked a cruise for the following June. I still of course had that strong desire to have another child, but I just decided it wasn't meant to be right now. Little did I know, that God again had different plans for me for the next nine months!
     I was actually almost angry when I found out I was pregnant. I guess I already had it in my head that I was going to miscarry again, and I just could not go through that again! I felt that I couldn't get excited about it, because I was counting on being disappointed.  We finally went for our first appointment at 6 weeks, and I was a nervous wreck! Right away though, the ultrasound tech found the heartbeat! I burst into tears right there, because I was just convinced we were going to have a repeat of our last two ultrasounds. However, she did tell us the heart rate was a little low, and they were going to see me back in a couple weeks.
     I did a little research, and based on what I found, it looked like there was a 50% chance that I could still miscarry. Great, I thought. I was just going to hold off on the inevitable. Two more looong weeks went by, and here we were again in the ultrasound room. Lo and behold, our baby had a strong heart rate in the 150s, well within the normal range! It was still early though, and I didn't let myself get too excited. My OB was very cautious with me, and said to really take it easy and take care of myself.
     By this time, I was in the throes of terrible morning sickness. Actually, it was more like all day sickness. It was a constant feeling of severe nausea, no energy, terrible weakness, and of course, I was getting sick almost daily. It almost put me into a sort of depression. Before the pregnancy, I was very active, running, working out at the gym. I was training for a marathon! And now, not only did I not need to be that active, but I didn't feel like doing anything but lying in the bed. I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't do what I wanted to do.
     It was during this time that I realized I was being completely ungrateful. This is what I had been praying for for years. This is what we had been trying unsuccessfully to do for the past two years. So what if I couldn't run a marathon this year, or go on a cruise next year. God was showing me that it's not about me. I can make all the plans that I want, but He is going to ultimately give me what is best for me at that time. I was being selfish, and not full of overwhelming gratitude like I should have been.
     I began to change my attitude. I rejoiced every time I got sick. I praised the Lord for this little being growing inside of me, altering all my plans. I just began immersing myself in thanksgiving to the Lord. I knew that I was not guaranteed anything, but I had faith that the Lord would bring this child into my arms.
     Finally, our 20-week anatomy scan was here. We were seeing the high-risk OB that I had seen so many times with Breckin. They were going to do a detailed scan of every little body part of this baby. There was a higher chance that this baby could be born with a heart defect, or some other anomaly due to us already having one child with several birth defects. Like I said before, I had faith that this baby was going to be in my arms one day, but I still thought there would likely be something wrong. I was reminded of the verse in Daniel Chapter 3. I've blogged about this verse before, but this is where King Nebuchadnezzar is threatening to throw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into the fiery furnace for not bowing down to the golden image he has set up. They proclaim that the Lord will save them from the furnace, but verse 18 states," But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." They knew that even if the Lord did not save them, they would still worship Him only.
     I had a "But if not" moment before this appointment. I knew there was a possibility that this baby would have some type of problem. I also knew that the Lord could allow this baby to be perfectly healthy. But if not, I was still ready to worship and praise Him anyways. This was a long appointment, and the ultrasound tech was very thorough. She would silently scan a certain body part, and make all kinds of measurements, and notations. Then after holding my breath, she would say, ok that part looks good, and I could finally breathe again. She went through every body part, and did a fetal ECHO on the heart, and told us that everything looks normal! Wow! Praise the Lord! I was really not expecting this, so as soon as Josh and I got into the car, I burst into tears! I said, can we just stop for a minute and soak this in, and thank the Lord! We stopped and prayed right then for this baby and thanked the Lord for all He has done!
     We found out later that weekend, that we are having another girl! I was so excited about this, and so were the girls. Josh was very happy, but I knew he felt a tiny shred of disappointment that he wasn't going to have a son. That whole weekend was just surreal for me, and still sometimes is. When I think about what all we have been through to get here, and how God has just worked everything out according to His plans, it brings me to tears. He is so good, and truly brings everything about in His time! Our family cannot wait to meet this sweet baby girl soon, and I cannot wait to teach her about our Lord who is so good, and who loves her more than she could ever imagine!
     So, if you're reading this, and you're waiting on something, or things just aren't going as planned, know that the Lord is working. He loves you, and He is good. And also know that it's not about you. The Lord wants honor and glory brought to Him above all. If you are truly following the Lord, and fearing Him, then your desires will line up with His will. And he wants to give you those desires of your heart.

 Those sweet little hands

Soon to be a family of five!

Love,
B

Boundaries

       Just two posts ago, I wrote about our second miscarriage. And now, here I am again, writing about a third. It happened three months ago, and only six months after the second miscarriage. Again, we got pregnant on our own, and I surprised Josh by putting the phrase, "You're going to be a Daddy (again)" on a piece of paper, and leaving it in the kitchen where I knew he would see it first thing in the morning. I convinced myself that I was already feeling early signs of pregnancy: fatigue, cravings, nausea, and thought this is it! We learned the baby would be due in December, and since we've had a November and a December baby already, we weren't super thrilled about the birthday. However, we thought well, that's just our luck!
       A few days before my scheduled first ultrasound, I felt those early pregnancy symptoms halt. I had a terribly uneasy feeling and just knew we had lost the baby. My fears were confirmed when they saw nothing in the uterus. My hcg levels had been going up, but that day, they were not as high as they should have been for a 6-week fetus. After more tests, another ultrasound, and many hours waiting in the doctor's office, they confirmed that this was indeed another miscarriage.
       Three. Three miscarriages. I never imagined in a million years I would have one, let alone three. I was so angry and just done! Done with fertility doctors, done with spending money and still having no baby, and done with trying to get pregnant. I didn't understand the purpose behind it. I felt like I was putting my faith in God to answer our prayers, and instead of giving, He was just taking away. I honestly felt a little like God had forgotten about me.
       Two days after we had the last test that confirmed the miscarriage, I was at church in our Bible fellowship class. Our teacher had us turn in the book of Isaiah. There was a verse he read in Chapter 49. It states,"...Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." (Isaiah 49:15b-16) The Lord has me engraved on the palms of His hands! He has not forgotten about me. In Hebrew, the word used here for wall means, "wall of protection." The Hebrew word for engraved used here means, "delineate." If you're like me, I had to look up the exact definition of delineate, and I found it to mean: "to indicate the exact position of (border or boundary)."
     The Lord has put his wall of protection around me. He has indicated on His palm the exact place where I need to be! Another verse that comes to mind when I read this is Psalm 16:6. It states, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places." I love this so much! Again, it's saying that the Lord has placed me where I am in life, and it is pleasant! It is good! As difficult as it is to comprehend and accept sometimes, I am exactly where God wants me to be.
      I have finally come to the place where I am okay with not being pregnant right now. Josh and I still have the desire to add another child to our family, and we still believe that God will fulfill this desire. However, we realize that it may not be in the way that we had planned. Nothing in our lives since being married has gone according to our plan, but we can always see that it has been God's plan. I don't know why we or any couple has had to go through losses like this. Sometimes, it's to prepare us for something in our future, sometimes, it's to help us grow, sometimes it's to teach us something. But it's always to bring glory and honor to our Lord Jesus Christ. We continue to be in prayer for God's leading, direction, and wisdom on how He wants to grow our earthly family ❤

Love,
B

Snow Day Blues

     This past week has been a little bit of a whirlwind in our family. With the snow last Friday came sickness to the Helms household. In the early morning hours, Harper woke up throwing up in my bed! She slept with me because Josh was gone duck hunting, and she was complaining of a stomach ache all evening. Little did I know, that it was a stomach virus! So after cleaning her up, washing bedding, and getting her back to bed, I tried to get a little more sleep. A few hours later, Breckin woke up burning up! I checked her temp and it was 100.4 under her arm, meaning it would likely be one degree higher if taken orally. I called in to work saying even if I could make it through the snow and ice, I couldn't come in since I had to take care of two sick kids.
     With Breckin's heart defect, I am always extra cautious when she gets sick or runs fever. A little virus could impact her greatly and make her very sick. So, as soon as I could, I started calling around to find a clinic or doctor's office open since her pediatrician's office was closed due to the snow. I took her to an open walk-in clinic and she tested positive for the flu! So here I am with two sick kiddos and a husband out of town.
     Harper, bless her heart, still wanted to go outside and play. So, while Breckin slept, we went outside and attempted to play in the snow. We basically just walked around making footprints in the snow, and trying to find icicles. After about 10 minutes we came back inside because we were freezing, and Harper wanted to lay down. I was done with snow after that and ready for it to be gone! However that was not the story. After a long Martin Luther King Jr. weekend of staying in trying to stay warm and entertain the kids, it snowed again! By this time, the stomach virus had moved past Harper to Josh, and while he was recovering, I got it. So I spent all of Tuesday in the bed sick as a dog.
     By Wednesday, even though I was still feeling puny, I wanted to get out of the house! The snow had not been fun, we had watched every movie, played every game, and read every book in the house. But, since we were all likely still contagious from either flu or the stomach virus, we couldn't go anywhere! I love spending time with my girls and my husband, but when I can't get out of the house, I go crazy!! I was feeling down, and being very negative about everything!
     I write all this not to complain about how terrible our week was, or to say "woe is me," even though that was the attitude I was having. I write this to show God's glory and goodness! Through all this bad stuff, sickness, cold, negative attitude, and downright depressing mood of mine, God's glory shone through! I've been reading a chapter every evening to my girls out of their new bible they got for Christmas:

The past few nights of reading have all emphasized the glory of God. I have been teaching my girls what this means and how we can in our regular lives show God's glory. Last night, I realized that God wants his glory shown even through this.

     Yes Breckin did get the flu, but she had a mild case! She only ran fever for one day, and she didn't end up in the hospital. We had to stay in the house all week, but God provided us with a working furnace, a working fireplace, hot water, and warm blankets. I had just gone to the grocery store before the snow came, so we had plenty of food to eat. The kids were out of school all week so they didn't have to miss any school due to being sick. Even though we were stuck inside, we were all together! I got to spend six days with these precious girls and my wonderful husband. The more I thought about the week, the more I became aware of all the things I had to be thankful for. I had been so focused on myself and my circumstances that I wasn't seeing the goodness and glory of God!

     So if you, like me, didn't have a magical, wonderful time of making memories in the snow, and are going stir-crazy from being in the house, just know it's ok. Try to find all the things there are to be thankful for in your life, because there's always something to be thankful for! God is so good!

Love, 

B

A few pics showing it wasn't all bad! :)

     

     

School Time!

     I just recently went back to some old blog posts I wrote when I was pregnant with Breckin. I love having a record of what God has done in my past, and seeing how far we have come! Those days before she was born and even after she was born, there were so many unknowns. Looking back, I can see how God has been so faithful! Today is Breckin's fourth day of preschool. I can't believe that we have made it here.
     Months before she started school, I was already a nervous wreck. I would cry every time I talked about her starting school. I was so worried that she wouldn't be ready, that she would fall behind, that she wouldn't have any friends. I shared my concerns and fears with others, and I knew several people were praying for her. I myself prayed as well for her future at school. We had our IEP meeting (which is the big meeting with all the teachers, therapists, and principal at Breckin's school, where they went over all her developmental tests and set learning goals for her) and it went extremely well. I could tell that every person in that room was concerned for Breckin's education, her well-being, and her growth and development. I left that meeting in tears, not because I was upset, but because I had such a peace about her going to this school. God had answered my prayers beyond what I could have imagined!
     A few weeks before she started, her vision therapist, Ms. Lou, met me at school a couple times before class started so Breckin could have some orientation to the room. On those days she was able to get to know her teacher better, Ms. Jaffe, and meet some of her classmates. A couple days before school started, the wonderful ladies with the TN Deafblind Project gave a training to all her teachers and therapists specifically on Breckin's needs. A slideshow was prepared full of pictures and videos of Breckin! It has been so amazing to see how God has orchestrated all these people to be in Breckin's life and to see it all fall into place.
     She has had a great first few days of school and everyone has gone above and beyond to make her feel welcome. Her vision therapist filled the room with tactile symbols and labels so Breckin would know all the parts of the classroom. She brought her textured paper to use in art class, and the school ordered a walker for her to use at school. Her teachers have sent me pictures and videos and updates, so I don't have to worry at all! I am so thankful that we are at this school and so thankful for her amazing teachers and therapists. I also just want to thank everyone who has been praying for this transition with me!
     You would think I would know now not to worry and be afraid of what the future holds for Breckin. Looking over these past three years, God has had a hand in every step. He constantly tells me to trust Him, and He's right! Even if things don't go the way I plan or want them to, they are still the way God intends them, and His ways are perfect!

Love,
B

     Just a few pics from her first couple days of school

 So excited for her first day!

 Here's her walker which has a little seat so she can take a rest :)

 Got kisses from big sis at school

 Dancing during music class!

     The beloved beanbag!